Sneaking out of Sunday School was pretty easy. Where to go was the hard part. I didn’t drive yet. So I couldn’t leave the church “campus”, but I also didn’t want to be seen. Not that it would matter; I didn’t think anyone would notice I was gone. They didn’t really notice when I was there.

I liked church. I liked Sunday School. I liked youth group. I just didn’t seem to fit with these students. I had grown up in the church, come to know Jesus as my Savior and Lord when I was young, and even went to a Christian school. So why did I feel like such an outsider? I was pretty sure I knew the answer.

I went to school in the south part of the city. Most of the kids in the youth group went to school in the north part of the city by the church. I went to a private school. Most of them went to a public school. Seventy percent of the youth group was from three schools. I did not go to one of those schools. I was new to the city and the church. Most of them had grown up there. Though I liked the youth pastor and the volunteers, they were the only ones who really talked to me. When I did stick around in Sunday school, I usually felt pretty awkward and pretty alone. I’d go to youth group if I could get some of my school friends to go with me, otherwise it was just too intimidating.

Twenty-five years later I have a new perspective on all this. The outsider became a youth pastor and I have seen this scenario played out in every church I have served. We are called as followers of Jesus to be the Family of God, the Body of Christ, a true community of caring, and yet we struggle to accept each other and to be accepted. If your youth group has kids from more than one school, you see it. If you have anybody new in your youth group, you see it. If you have more than two students in your youth group, you see it. So what do we do?

I believe it all starts with recognizing that we all are sinners and our “default” mode is to be self-focused and self-protective. Think about that. It is your natural inclination to just think about yourself. The guy or girl next to you? Thinking about themselves. The popular girl across the room? The awkward guy on the couch? The girl with the amazing Christian testimony? Yes, they all walk into that room thinking about themselves. Even the youth pastor struggles with self-focused insecurities. And what about you? Do you walk into your youth group eager to reach out and care for others? That was my first problem in high school. I wanted someone to care for me, but it didn’t even cross my mind to care for someone else. I sat in judgment of all those kids in my youth group, but I was being just like them. Looking back I now realize that there were about 10 or 15 kids in that Sunday school class who felt as awkward and left out as I did, but I never spoke a word to them. How crazy is that? We all need to stop blaming someone else. Someone has got to start acting like we are family. Why shouldn’t it be you?

So you want to be that person? I think the next step is to recognize who you are in Christ. The 13th chapter of the Gospel of John recounts the events at the Last Supper when Jesus got up from the table, clothed himself like a servant and began to wash the disciples’ dirty feet. Though the story is beautiful and powerful, what I really love is what it says before Jesus got up to wash feet. Verse 3 says, “Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that He had come from God, and was returning to God.” In other words, Jesus was sure of who he was and therefore didn’t need to be self-focused or self-protective. He was free to think of others. If you have a relationship with Jesus then your place as a child of the King of Kings is secure. You are free to think of others.

Knowing that we are “dearly loved children of God” (Ephesians 5:1), we are free to love and care for others the way Christ has cared for us. You see, Jesus has made a huge deal out of how we are to treat each other. In John 13:35, after washing the disciples’ feet Jesus says, “By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Wow! The biggest witness your youth group or church can have in your city or town is how you love each other. And as the Church grew in that first century, they took seriously what Jesus had said. If you look in the Epistles you will find 33 “one another” commands that challenge us to love each other the way Christ has loved us.

Well, that’s the big picture. Now what are some practical things we can do to make sure our youth group is a family? Let me start by telling you a story. I will never forget the day that our youth group began to be family. We were on a bus headed off to a ski retreat. As was our tradition, I sent around a rooming sign-up with the instructions to write down the names of one or two others with whom you wanted to room. I would then take the requests and put together a final rooming list. As I passed the sign-up sheet around I was very aware of two guys in particular. Jack and Steve (not their real names), two freshmen who were both awkward and sometimes irritating, were definitely the outsiders of our group I was surprised that they had signed up for the trip, but happy that they did. I just didn’t know in what room they would go. I knew for certain that no one would sign up with them, and I was pretty sure they wouldn’t even sign up with each other. As I was trying to solve that problem, John approached me at the front of the bus. John was an amazing guy. He loved the Lord deeply, was an all-state soccer player headed to an Ivy League school, good-looking, popular, and a guy with plenty of friends. He sat down next to me and said this, “Todd, I want you to put me in a room with Jack and Bill. I don’t care who else is in there, but I definitely want those two guys.” Then he got up and walked to the back of the bus. I was convicted and encouraged all at once. Jesus told his disciples in John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” John was laying down his life. He was a senior, Jack and Steve were freshmen. John was cool, they were not. This was John’s last youth group retreat. He had good friends on this trip. But John was sure of who he was in Jesus, a dearly loved child of God, and he was free to love Jack and Steve.

It’s little moments like that that will change you, your youth group, your church, and could even change your city. Here are some little moments that we need to see in our churches:

• When someone new comes into your group, go across the room and talk to them. And don’t leave them. Invite them to sit with you…every time they come.
• Ask your youth pastor or Sunday School teacher to do a series on the “one another” commands of the Bible
• Have your youth group think of ways to celebrate the fact that you have students from several different schools.
• Never gossip about anyone in your youth group, even if the information is true. Always protect the reputation of your “family”.
• Have your youth group think of ways to care for each other. For example, have your seniors kidnap your freshman and take them out to breakfast the Saturday before school starts.
• Make a prayer list of 10 students in your group that you don’t really know (or like) and commit to pray for them each week.

What if you the one feeling like the outsider? Then look around you and find the other outsiders and go and talk to them. Ask your youth pastor how you can get more involved or serve in your church. And whatever you do, don’t stop going to Sunday School or youth group or church. That was my biggest mistake. If you are never with those people, you will never get the chance to love them or be loved by them. And you will miss the joy of being the Family of God.

Todd Erickson is Director of Student Ministries at Second Presbyterian Church in Memphis, Tennessee.