“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is he head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love the wives as their own bodies....” Ephesians 5:21-28

Years ago my wife and I lived in an apartment complex among students training for ministry. One evening we invited a couple over to our house to play table games. As we were playing a game that requires animated conversation, we realized the guest wife was not really participating. In fact she was playing so miserably that the situation became rather awkward. She would hardly speak up. When the social tension became intolerable, the husband finally explained to us that the reason his wife was not speaking was that he had recently been embarrassed by things she had said in the company of others. As a result, they had agreed that since he was the head of the house, she should not speak in public unless he granted her permission. They were serious about this! and consequently did not win any of our games that night.

Not surprisingly, of course, there were other problems in this marriage. Some months after the game episode, the husband began to suffer from severe depression and left the seminary. I have never heard from the couple again.Though this man’s actions may seem extreme, the Bible does say that the husband is the “head” of the home and that the wife should “submit” to him. Scripture gives a husband the responsibility to keep spousal roles clear. If we are unwilling to throw away Scriptural passages that require the exercise of authority, then how do we know that such conduct in marriage is wrong?

Finding Biblical answers to these questions requires us to go beyond a surface reading of Scripture that would seem to justify dictatorial rule by one spouse or to require the abandonment of personal dignity by another.

The Glories of Sacrifice

Minds and hearts open to the core message of Scripture recognize that God neither commends nor commands selfishness. When the ruler of the universe in the person of Jesus Christ gave His life on a cross to rescue us from the consequences of our own sin, He taught us the glory of sacrifice. Lives merely devoted to serving self cannot avoid making one’s own desires the goal and god of every action. Such whimsical gods ultimately enslave people to their own appetites. That is why Jesus said, “Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matt. 10:39).

God designed us to know life’s greatest fulfillment through losing ourselves in the service of purposes higher than self-satisfaction. As a result, a marriage built on the premise that one person will find happiness in using another ignores the deepest passions God has placed in hearts in which His Spirit lives. Jesus said, “If anyone wants to be first, he must be… the servant of all” (Mk. 9:35), and He did not add a footnote saying, “except in your homes.”

A brown plaster plaque hangs in our home to demonstrate something of the importance of this sacrificial love to my wife and me. The plaque was an inexpensive gift, and we received it with little interest, not recognizing how we would later come to treasure it. In our early married life the plaque resided on various walls, bookshelves, and kitchen cabinets through multiple moves. It became one of the few constant features in our life, and before long the plaque came to symbolize home for us. When that plaque now goes on a wall, it is as though we have carved our initials on the house to say, “This is now officially a Chapell home.”

What has made us keep that inexpensive wedding gift through two decades of marriage is not the beauty of its colors or design (it is dull brown and round), but the significance of its words: “Home: where each lives for the other, and all live for God.” In simple terms the words remind us that our happiness resides in giving ourselves to each other while living in obedience to God.

Such sacrifice does not come easily. The various cracks and chips on the plaque remind us that life is full of knocks that threaten the sacrificial unity God intends for us to experience. Each repaired fault stands as an emblem and encouragement of the deeper reality that marriage partners committed to serving one another according to God’s Word can overcome difficulties and produce marriages full of enduring joy.

The Questions of Sacrifice

But what does it mean to serve one another in the context of marriage? Are men to ignore the Bible’s instruction to be spiritual leaders in their homes? Should women be doormats to their husbands’ demands? How would either scenario honor God, or help others know His love?

These questions are answered not by discounting what God requires of men and women in the home but by seeing how the duties assigned to each should benefit the other. A man who leads Biblically places his family’s interests above his own. He uses his leadership to put each member of the family in the best position possible to know and experience the care of God. A woman who submits to such headship is not feeding the selfishness of her spouse, but rather is supporting the godly nurture of her entire family. In this way neither spouse abdicates Biblical responsibilities but rather fulfills the Biblical definition of love that “is not selfseeking” (1 Cor. 13:5).

Widespread misunderstanding of these Biblical standards, even among those who are trying to do what God requires, are a consequence both of the well-documented breakdown of the traditional family and also of the tenacious orientation to self that resides in every heart. Both of these factors continually tempt us to dispense with Biblical instruction when it does not conform to cultural trends or to use the Bible selectively so that its standards will serve our own interests. Not only does this departure from Scripture’s guidance distance us from the relationships God intends, it also endangers the next generation of families.

The Standards of Sacrifice

As the values of our secular society continue to assail our families, Christian homes that seek to honor God’s Word become increasingly critical for the effective witness of the Gospel and for ensuring the spiritual well being of the next generation. Without healthy Christian homes where the unselfish and sacrificial care of Jesus are daily demonstrated, the deep realities of the Christian faith remain mere abstractions to individuals and thus fail to take root in society as a whole.

The Index of Leading Cultural Indicators, published by the Heritage Foundation, demonstrates that the practice of living sacrificially for one another is a fading reality for our families. The index shows that over the last three decades in the United States the marriage rate has declined by half, the divorce rate has more than doubled, the percentage of children with single mothers has nearly tripled, and the percentage of births to unwed mothers has quintupled–accounting for 28 percent of all births.1 Each statistic in its own way signals a society where satisfying oneself dominates even our most intimate relationships.

In order for the message of Christ’s selfless care to echo in the reality of our marriages and families, God requires values radically counter to the me-orientation of the present or the “me-Tarzan-you-Jane” stereotypes of the past. Persons genuinely committed to discovering God’s plan for caring relationships in their homes must seek guidance from Scripture passages where the first Christians were told how to organize relationships in their homes. Although the apostolic writers addressed Christians in a secular culture much like our own, their words did not call the early Christians to retreat from their society. Instead the apostles called each Christian to retreat from self. By teaching the sacrifice of one’s own priorities to the needs of a loved one the apostles planned to beacon the truths of Christ’s love in a way the world could not ignore.

An example of such sacrificial love surfaced a few years ago in my hometown when two brothers decided to play in sand banks by the river. Because our town depends on the river for commerce, dredges regularly clear its channels of sand and deposit it in great mounds along the river’s edge. Nothing is more fun for children than playing in these mountainous sand piles–and few things are more dangerous.

While it is still wet, the dredges dump the sand on the shore from the river’s bottom. As a result, the piles of sand dry with rigid crusts that often conceal cavernous internal voids formed by the escaping water. If a child climbs on a mound of sand that has such a hidden void, the external surface easily collapses into the cavern. Sand from higher on the mound then rushes into the void trapping the child in a sinkhole of loose sand. This is exactly what happened to the two brothers as they raced up one of the larger mounds.

When the boys did not return home at dinnertime, family and neighbors organized a search. When they found the younger brother only his head and shoulders protruded from the mound. He was unconscious from the pressure of sand on his body. The searchers began digging frantically. When they had cleared the sand to his waist, he roused to consciousness. “Where is your brother?” the rescuers shouted. “I’m standing on his shoulders,” replied the child.

With the sacrifice of his own life the older brother lifted the younger to safety. So too did the One who is not ashamed to call Himself our brother despite our waywardness (Heb. 2:11). We live eternally by standing before God on the righteousness that Jesus Christ provided at the cost of His own life. This is the grace that God extends to us, and that we express to others as we use our every resource, gift, and prerogative for the good of another.

In the Christian home each person has the mission of lifting the other to know more of God’s care. Greaterstrength, higher authority, and deeper insight are neither abandoned nor used for the promotion of self, but rather are fully used for the good of another. Marriage will only know the fullness God intends when you offer your spouse the unconditional care for the undeserving which God has so freely poured upon you.

Dr. Bryan Chapell is President and Professor or Practical Theology at Covenant Theological Seminary

This article originally appeared in Covenant magazine, the quarterly magazine of Covenant Theological Seminary. Reprint permission is available upon request by e-mailing covenant@covenantseminary.edu.

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© 2003 Covenant Theological Seminary. 

1. Figures published by the Heritage Foundation in Christianity Today (September 13, 1993).